I remember the butterflies; the anticipation; the gut-wrenching desire to be together. All the time. Forever. Oh the amount of tears that were shed, whenever I had to say those words. . . goodbye. I had found the one my heart always longed for. I adored him to the fullest. It was true love, the kind that everyone always talks about.
Years pass and I grow accustom to him. I get comfortable. Yes, I still love deeply; but with anything, over time, we can take things for granted; even one another. He grabs my hand to hold it and I don’t get that same weak-in-the-knee feeling. You know the kind. But our love is somehow deeper. Stronger. More real. You don’t always have the “feeling of love”. It’s not possible, nor is it realistic. Cultivating the friendship of the marriage union keeps the spark burning. Even if it isn’t always a blazing furry of passion and desire.
Then precious new life enters the home; sweet babies. It’s not all cutesy cozy, rainbows and ribbons, during those early morning feedings, when I so desperately long for some good, quality slumber. Yet they need me, depend upon me, constantly. How I secretly long for some of that innocent freedom, I once had. To go here and go there, without a second thought. As I hold her close, in the quiet of the midnight hour, I smell her. There is nothing like the smell of baby. It captivates and makes a grown woman melt with love and adoration. She snuggles and nuzzles up close; knees tucked under, bum up in the air as if she is still safe within my womb. I then remember, it’s all worth it!
Even so, day after day, I am weary from so much touch; I hug, wipe tears, mend boo boos, kiss tender cheeks. I am fulfilling my God-breathed role, as Mommy, sure! But I can’t seem to shake the tole it’s taken on my body, my spirit, my mind.
I long to be portrayed as the put-together Mama. You know the kind. Always smiling. Never angry or resentful. The mother that fell in love with her child the minute she held her. But the truth is, I didn’t! I felt guilty and horrible for the thoughts that ran through my mind. My life is over! Over over over! I am going to have no time to myself. I am responsible for another life now! Maybe it was the hormones and a bit post-pardom depression? I remember the tears flowing… like a river. For no reason. I couldn’t stop them. What’s wrong with me? I thought.
Slowly I came out of all that, by God’s grace. I learned a lot, when I became Mommy. Deep stuff I never would have known otherwise. How to love another so much, that I would die for them. How to die to self desires and put another first; truly first. First because I had to; but soon I couldn’t help not put them first. Call it instinct or motherly intuition.
But then there is hubby. The one who I chose to love FIRST. He is there, waiting to be loved, to be touched, to be adored when he walks through the door. Loving Him like I did when our love first bloomed. That honeymoon-first-year, when every waking moment was spent to please the other.
It takes work! Anything worth fighting for takes work. And the work is so worth it!
Marriage takes work. It takes dying to self, to give to your spouse.
Motherhood takes work. It takes dying to self, to give to your children.
Life takes work. It takes dying to self, to give to others around you.
So in giving so much of ourselves as women, how do we have anything left? Where do we draw such super-hero-like strength?
From the ONE that gives us our next breath! The supernatural kind. The one that can restore. The one that picks me up when I am face-down in the mud of self pity and despair and says “there’s hope, my child. Rest in me.”
Read This: (How To Fall In Love Again, By Ann Voskamp)
I love how Ann says:
“Intimacy is only a possibility when we slip out of small talk and gently peel off a layer of the heart“
Ooooh, and this: (Courtney, is featured over at Like a Warm Cup of Coffee Today)
She says:
When a plain ordinary wife spends her day thinking thankful, loving and respectful thoughts about her plain ordinary husband – they can have an extraordinary marriage. Start today to weed out bitter thoughts in your mind and begin to plant seeds of thankfulness – in no time your marriage will be extraordinary too!
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
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